im scared,
afraid,
unprepared maybe,
unsure,
unconfident,
pessimistic,
very very... afraid.

new assignments coming up to blow my mind,
shirt designs to do for pcomd
which is draining my brain juices very quickly,
canoeing training to keep up with,
more school work to keep me busy with...

im scared that i wont be good enough,
afraid that i cant cope with all that,
probably psycho-ed by my mind
to believe that im unprepared just cos im 17,
unsure cos it's all so new to me,
unconfident cos idk how strong i really am against so many others,
pessimistic for im thinking of plenty of what-ifs now,
like what if i fail to do it all right
and come up with disappointing work?
very very afraid for i might jus lose it all
and lose my confidence all over again...

sometimes i wonder:
why should i fear?
well,
im only human,
i have my fears too.
i should be more confident,
yes i know.
but...
im jus so afraid of stepping out
and making a difference
even though i keep saying,
"i want to! i want to!"
everybody wants to,
it's jus a matter of whether you did put in effort
to make a difference or not.
those who did came out great,
those who didnt regretted a lot.
i dont wanna regret,
i wanna do something,
but how?
that's my biggest concern.
this assignment thing which i'd be involved
will probably be the first biggest thing
which is gonna help me boost my confidence,
i hope.

im sorry,
i thought you would be happy for me.
im just so sorry.